I live my life, then something triggers the pain all over again, even a simple thing like a beautiful sunset: why isnt he here to share this? Its like a phantom limb. It truly helps to know Im not alone in this. Peace to you all. I am an optimist and hope and pray that eventually for the sake of our children I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. I am not ready for such a step, nor do I believe I ever will be. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out the consistent sadness I feel after 7 years. I thought I was the only person who had these feelings as other people seem to move on so quickly. If you were married for ten years of longer, you will be eligible to collect derivative Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouse's earnings record when you reach retirement age (if you aren't married to someone else at the time . Which is sad because we still get along, AOL and I. Can you be completely happy after divorce? I somewhat relate to you (except that my 2 adult kids do see reality and stand by my side, and at the same time love their dad, which is better for their own well being). Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. You need to get out of your head and into your life. irritability. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. Most Famous Female Pop Artists of the 70s, The History of the Basketball The Actual Ball, Guide to the Absolutely Strangest Things on Earth, Strange and Unusual Ceremonies and Traditions Around the World. I would have been able to still respect him. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. We are none of us any one thing. To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. I thought I was taking forward steps. It is more than enough! You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. What are Dirty Thunderstorms and When Do They Appear? Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. I would say it was my fault she left for sure but she never would stay and go to counseling with me she just walked. I have my kids back in my life. You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. D. A. Wolf is a professional writer, editor, and independent marketing and social media consultant. We seek out love relationships so that we can feel love. Meaning, if I could find someone to date, I would be all for it, but since I can'twell then, I say I just don't want to date. This is a very profound article, it exactly mirrors how I feel about being divorced even 35 years down the line. ", Ultimately, I support her decision. Wow. Later she said no, I guess not and went on to a great life without nice. The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. And its been tuff, specially when He was the unfaithful, controlling, abusive one. We have two daughters, one who has special needs that is 24/7 high acuity care, and Im angry. Symptoms of divorce-related depression can include any, or a combination of, the following: Sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed Loss of appetite Increase in appetite Weight loss or gain Difficulty sleeping Excessive irritability Rage Sudden insomnia Increased fatigue Difficulty focusing or concentrating Difficulty making decisions },{ Marriages are meant to be enjoyed, not endured. Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. As for looking to a new love, I have no desire. Especially finding out about the other persons affair 2 years later and how it was happening for much longer. My exhusband moved on quickly and even has a new baby. I barely get 3 hours a night sleep and am super lucky if I get 4 hours, while he goes on cruises several times a year and vacations several times a year with his new wife. I googled this lingering pain. I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! Don't Fight Your Feelings All of our emotions are given to us for a reason. but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes. That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? This has sent me spiralling downward as this was something the ex an I had planned to doand spend summers with our grandchildren(eventually). Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. All rights reserved. It hurts badly, no matter how long. I feel I am now existing in some sort of dreadful limbo. I take strange comfort in the fact that you still hurt 36 years after your divorce: I realise it sounds odd but the comfort is in knowing that Im not the only one who cannot move on as I was told to over and over again. 25 years gone after her affair. Thank you for expressing and sharing your thoughts. I am not a bitter woman. A fractured. He was a longtime alcoholic, but quit (cold turkey) four or five years before he left. My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. You may have to find. Try to find joy in the fact that you have those feelings for her instead of focusing on the pain of losing her. Being the spouse left behind hurts tremendously. Does it mock me? I love my daughter dearly and wouldnt want it any other way. It doesnt mean I want to be with my ex again, it doesnt mean I want to go back, it just means the pain of the loss of all of it is still there. Couples counselling, yes, but half-assed. As the publication noted, it's possible that this split could get messy as both parties reportedly raced to file . I feel very lost again. Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce: Males: 7.8 years Females: 7.9 years. I feel so sad for anyone in this position, and hope they get some relief in their situation. It's important to set some achievable goals. Excellent article. I once experienced a lady who was struggling with the pain of overcoming separation alone and when I purposed to hold her hand, she started relaxing, and within a short time, life to her became a joyous one. Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression. I often hear wives say things like: "Sure, he's sorry . Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. Heres the thing, what hurts the most for me right now is still not having found another love. The more you feed your mind with positive thoughts, the more you can overcome. Dwelling on what you should have done. TMZ reported that both Sidora and Pittman have filed for divorce after almost 10 years of marriage. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. Again if comforting to know that Im not alone in what I am still feeling . You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. Thanks to your article, I know this is a normal response of the heart. After a divorce, you're going to cycle through a spectrum of emotions and more than just sadness or jubilation. After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. Call 707-326-5566 to schedule an initial consultation with Santa Rosa Psychotherapist Ben Schwarcz Making choices so the kids like you. Take care of yourself, try to make new friends, & live one day at a time. The final dagger was my grandparents will 23 years ago (which I had forgotten, never thinking anything like this would happen) giving me 20 acres of land in Indiana, inheritance is not included in divorce settlement. I will say this never again will I give any women a chance to hurt me . Oh well. But also: stronger relationships with their kids, finding peace, and settling into a new sense of normal that feels, well, okay. Now my one son and his fianc are choosing the dads side and have minimal contact with my older son, my husband and myself. I feel like I am in a much better place mentally and feel like my old self somewhat but there is no magical switch to healing. We just needed to voice our shared experience. I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard. Median duration of second marriages: Males: 7.3 years Females: 6.8 years. "@type": "Answer", Cant Get Your Ex Out Of Your Head? We grew up together, worked in various cities, had good friends, loved each other's familys and then I just left him. A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . He sat in our porch the week before he left, sobbing. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website. I just do not what I am frightened of. At the 10-year mark, by and large, the person who wanted the divorce is doing better than the one who didn`t want it. The main reason as to why this is experienced in the lives of people who have separated is because of the good memories that were shared while in marriage, the obstacles that they overcame make people still the hurt and especially if they have a challenge that needs a partner to step in and support. Dont accept any blame..it was just an excuse & helped your ex rationalize his behavior. I believe scars remain, but forgiveness can set us free still, it is a choice we make each time the pain appears. I truly hope in 2018, I can have a clear mind and an open heart. Studio Firma/Stocksy United. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. She took the house, my business, my kids my heart and happiness. It makes me hide a little bit of my truth (the sadness) from people. I wish him a happy life after all, if you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, even if it is not with you. And I miss hugs and kisses. I was excited about the changes I could see or at least was trying to reach. Ive heard his stories regarding his mother and her husband. I devoted my whole life to him and our 2 adult kids who blame me for everything and no longer speak with me but have welcome the child bride with open arms. But the pain never goes away . Sam, I find it odd that you dont trust other women but would trust the woman causing your pain and welcome her back. tl;dr - ~2 years after discovering affair of long-term partner, life is pretty good. My head knows the Lawsuit has no value. If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. } Life goes on and we have to make the very best of what we have, hard and all that it is. I come from a large family and all the memories of my wife are with them. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I dont think I ever would have had he not ended things. Whether you're 32 years old or just 2, whether you're one-half of the once happily . I have fallen in love again after my divorce. And I have not been able to shake my own love for him, even though he hurt me so deeply. Its a good thing too, for if I hadnt I know what I feel now would be far worse. If you were meant to be with him you would be. Thank you for this. I initiated it. I can go for weeks being fine, but then something will trigger all the pain, the guilt and the bewilderment. Best artical I have read on divorce. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription." No, I have not found someone else, but I knew I needed to find myself first. I hate to think I will live and hurt the rest of my life like this, I just love her !! My ex husband left our family 7 years ago for my (single w/2 kids) friend. Divorce can be worse than dying. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. My children are grown and many milestones are coming up. And my son died 7 1/2 years ago at 19, more dead dreams. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. "name": "Can you be completely happy after divorce? We all grieve differently. Oh, theres likely nothing so special about my story except perhaps how long it raged. He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. Many subsequent marriage proposals when younger but no remarriage. A lot of it hit home with me. your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable. I decided that we had no passion or at least I had little to none for him and I wasn't willing to work very hard on it. Ive remarried,but the grass is not greener over here.How I wish I could turn back time. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. I am with a wonderful man now and I am happy, and still sad too. If you are enduring your marriage, there is nothing much to do but file for a divorce.It can be said that the end of a marriage is always a difficult time you don't want to go through alone. And yes, so much collateral damage. And after all, since my boys are no longer children, these days its at those events that I am most likely to be interacting with my sons at the holidays, a graduation, some other special celebration. you deserve to be happy and to have a fulfilling relationship. As others have said, it gives voice to some of what I feel. But I wish we never got divorced. Now, as I hear my son tell me how her second marriage is deteriorating memories that I buried through hard work refresh themselves as if they are new. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. The world wants everyone to be over things. For people who already live with depression . 8 years after my divorce, I am right there. Needless to say, they do not see him and rarely communicate with him. One very common one is feeling like your husband just isn't remorseful or sorry enough for the affair. Coparenting is tough. This article resonates every sentiment I feel. I also have no contact. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. I am still sick about all of the deceit after being together since high school. Thank you for sharing. He is picking up on some aura, some mood, some indefatigable something that I am still carrying around, or that returns on certain familial occasions. While I am not a mom, I am a dad. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. I was married 30 years and it has been 3 since we separated and 2 since we divorced. My pain stems from a few things, pain left over from childhood (which I believe we all have to some degree) and pain from him leaving me without any real (as I saw it) truth for me to keep. I thought I was going to be married for ever to the man I said my vows to through thick and thin, I never imagined it not lasting. I pray daily for all those who have been broken by betrayal and abandonment. I found out my wife of 23 years (27 years together) was having an affair the last Sunday in January 2021. The family I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. Give yourself that time to focus on what will make YOU happy. I agree with you so hard to find anyone that really understands the lingering pain while living in the present. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, I am happy for her and my kids to be having a good life but it still hurts to be left behind. Trying to still piece together some normalcy with my grown daughters and now my 2 wonderful Poor Academic Performance People wait an average of three years after a divorce to remarry (if they remarry at all). I still do it 4.5 years later. The grief of your family broken or split is for sure the hardest thing to get over Perhaps it is an aftereffect of the years I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Village historic. Articles like this are good- to open the dialogue that sometimes the pain of divorce doesnt go away or that time heals but we learn somehow to live with it and live a happy life where we can. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. I am so sickened by the whole thing, and so, so sad. The average first marriage that ends in divorce lasts about 8 years. Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. Although she burdens me daily with spam, she's devoted and reliable. It truly has broken my heart. God sees our pain, our tears. I am not sure of what to do. Then the shoe dropped. We didnt have children but were together almost 20 years, and Ive been separated almost 8 years. Divorce happened the year after I had retired. There's also the practical side of it. This article really resonates with me. It was so good to read something I have been feeling for over 15 years. I still am working on my self and hope and pray she sees something in me again. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. New hopes, dreams, and opportunities arent going to come to you if you arent emotionally free and receptive. Shelia sorry to hear about your story. He frankly pales in comparison but after all the lonely years and horrible men, I'm so grateful to have him. But, in doing so I destroyed all respect for my Ex. The dread and emptiness you feel after a breakup, is subtly acknowledged as in it's the subject of every great work of art known to man but publicly, it's not an acceptable reason to like, skip work or not be a functional human being. But, I was wrong. Im 10 years on 51 and theres a very deep profound sadnesshurt. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. I never imagined the heart would be in such conflict with the mind. The story is almost the same, two wonderful boys and was married for 17 years. For example, youre allowing your thoughts of adoption to be muddied by thoughts of the way it should be. I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. I chose to go 100% zero contact, which has helped greatly with moving on. I am coming to terms with that but its hard. I have not been able to get over my pre-divorce delusion that our marriage was solid, and that he loved me deeply. Divorce is a complex process that can lead to confusing and painful feelings. Know how you feel, Sheila, & there is no easy way through the pain. I feel bad for my children always going in 2 directions and not having the support Sad. It looks pretty hurtful from where I stand. A question, do you talk about the divorce and their mother when youre around them. I think, for me, I will never fully recover from the betrayal of the life my ex and I had created over 25 years. You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. Divorce may leave school-age kids between the ages of 6 and 11 struggling with feelings of abandonment. Ive been divorced for 1 year and 3 months after a very messy separation and 17 year relationship. Anyway, I saved the article to read and reread, and I hope I will get to the point where I do not miss the man any longer. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. Nobody really understands. My son sees a sadness every so often in me. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I dont feel bitter just very sad x, Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. 20. My heart is breaking. Allow Yourself to Be Jealous. Its like I never existed, shared so many things together. We were married for 15 years. People will go to a bar t drink overnight to forget the pains in them. To do that, you must first understand your divorce hangover. So when I need to cry, I just let it out. I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. At every appointment, they can hold both parties to a standard of respect and non-judgment. My ex moved on, remarried a month after the divorce. Friends and families will help you overcome the pain of divorce 10 years later. You may interpret my conclusions as bitterness or cynicism, more pronounced at moments and evaporating at others. Your piece really spoke to me. I am proud of all you women as I am proud of myself, for making it through. When one of my kids remarked that he thought there was a profound sadness in me, I was taken aback. Maybe its her you shouldnt trust and other women, those whove not hurt you, you should give a chance. Also missing were 3 life policies with cash surrender values and 2 annuities. I think my circumstances are different than the norm because my ex-wife didnt leave because something was wrong with us. I saw my ex at a social function. I just found out today that the ex and his wife (my friend) have purchased property in a place where WE as a family would spend summers. Better if you acknowledge the pain and express it openly instead of trying to deny it as if it doesnt exist at all. "@context": "https://schema.org", Does he ever think of me? I certainly dont want someone back in my life who is capable of causing such sorrow in others and not giving a damn, but it feels like part of the family is missing. The descriptors are poignant and cathartic to say the least. Commit yourself to enjoy life and move on without fear. We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. Younger childrenspecifically 5- to 8 . Still, I can only imagine that he, too, senses the sorrow that is part of who I am. I wish for better days. 2. Sorry, but I needed to share. I had a gnawing feeling when I left him that I was "slitting my own throat" and now I know that is true. And believe me, its been so hard and heartbreaking. Grand children . But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. Yet in only 10 percent of the couples do both former spouses. When you hear the word "divorce," there are a handful of images that probably come to mindtwo adults arguing, a sad child stuck in the middle, and maybe even a contentious courtroom battle.But when a marriage ends, it's far more complex than that.For one, you may never even be in a courtroom with your ex, and secondly, there are some truly positive effects of a divorce that you may not have .
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